i feel so alone. i don’t want to be alone. i think of her every day - every hour, i even wake up thinking of her. she takes hours to answer my texts. often over 12 hours, sometimes over 24h. she is always my first thought in the morning.
i want to hold her hand, feel her lips on mine. i want to go to sleep with her next to me, and wake up looking at the face of someone i love and who loves me back. i want to travel the world, but not alone or with friends. i want to experience new things, but i want to do it with her.
i’ve always been more romantically inclined, and i’ve always dreamed of having a wife (or just a serious life-long relationship; marriage itself is irrelevant) and having kids with her. that has always been the purpose of life to me. everything else feels meaningless without a romantic partner to experience it with, or with whom to talk about it. but more specifically, i want her. but i’m still a virgin, i’ve still never kissed a girl, and i’ve still never held a girls hand. i’m approaching thirty. i thought she could be it, but she is clearly not as into me as i am her.
sometimes suicide pops into my head. not as a fully formed concrete idea to follow through on, but just the concept, and the idea that i could do it and the misery would end. no more lonely nights - or days either. she’ll never want me like i want her, but even if i get over her no one else will want me either.
some people say to work on yourself, and that no one wants to date someone who is depressed or desperate. they don’t get it. this is the whole reason i’m depressed. i work out, i eat healthy, i have hobbies. but they are all indoor hobbies. i still have a massive hole in my chest that can’t be filled by working on myself. a hole that could only be filled by intimacy and romance with another person. specifically by her. when she replies to me the world is colorful and everything brings me joy. the world is in my hand and I am in control. about 12 hours after waiting for a reply, everything tastes of ashes and nothing can bring me joy or warmth. i have no motivation.
the first and last thing i do each day is check my phone to see if she has replied. it’s fucking pathetic. if i get another chance to see her, i will tell her how i truly feel about her. i’m positive it won’t be reciprocal, but it’s a small chance to fill the hole, or at least maybe i can get closure on her.
i’m going to bed and cry myself to sleep once more, with my last thought before the blackout being her face once again. she is the first woman in at least a decade to really put butterflies in my stomach. the closest i ever came to this were small school crushes.
“some people say to work on yourself, and that no one wants to date someone who is depressed or desperate. they don’t get it. this is the whole reason i’m depressed”
But we do. We do get it. I’ve been on your shoes. Your post reminded me so much of me, you have no idea. I remember that hole so well. I will always remember it even thought it has been over 10 years. I’m so clear out of it but I will always remember it. How can we forget it, right? That cold place. It IS an awful place.
I know how it feels that if you could just find someone it would all be OK. Someone who would love you. Someone you felt you belong to. It would start to pull yourself up and one thing would led to another and you’d end up OK. But that’s not reality, it wouldn’t. Chances are you’d find someone toxic that would abuse you and take advantage of you because it’s clear you don’t love yourself. That mindset attracts awful people. Or, if you’re lucky, you would attract someone nice that you would hold on for dear life to the point she would feel suffocated and eventually leave you and break your heart harder than you ever believe possible. You haven’t known true heartbreak until you actually have someone and then lose her.
When people say to learn to love yourself, I know it sounds stupid, but trust me…that’s the key! You have to learn to love yourself. Only then can others love you. Embrace your nerdiness, or awkwardness or whatever. Embrace yourself. You ARE awesome. How can anyone love you if even you think you suck? When you start loving yourself and treating yourself your energy completely changes. You don’t come as desperate and before you know it you start attracting people to you without even thinking about it. Romantic or not. When you stop putting girls in a pedestal and just start looking at them as just another person the dynamic changes. You start dealing a lot better with rejection and that makes everyone feels easier. When you meet a girl put his in your head “she’s cute but it’s not going to happen so I’m just going to have fun”. Don’t chase it just be fun and nice. Fun is a lot more attractive than you think. If it’s supposed to happen it will happen. If not, she’ll think you’re fun and she will have friends she’ll love you to meet. There are no soul mates. There are a lot of fish in the sea.
Learn to love yourself and relieve yourself of the pressure to seduce and stuff will happen.