Hi. I’m a Christian Polish (and Dutch) man (20M) who’s been outright terrible for years. I, like other people I’ve known, have been rather traditional. Patriotic and bigoted, you know the type. However, there was one thing I always thought was wrong with me: I’m attracted to men.

I always kind of liked this one man, my friend Greg, platonically and eventually romantically, as much as I hated to admit it.

I really liked him since we started to talk when we were 15. I saw him as a guy I could rely on. Greg is smart, funny, sweet, amazing really. I clung to him. He was my best friend. In fact, he was the one who helped me discover I liked men.

I’m nothing compared to him and I never will be much.

I’ve tried getting close to Greg. I tell him how smart he is, he lies back that I’m as smart as he is. I told him we should live together one day.

But I have mental health issues. I push people away and don’t think I’m good enough to have them.

Quite recently, Greg has shown some interest in me. Of course, I didn’t like that and pushed him away. I bullied him and talked behind his back after finding out he moved on and had a girlfriend.

When he broke up with her, I decided to give it another try and started being nicer again and trying to get closer. I thought he was an asshole and decided to forget it when I found out he yet again got a NEW girlfriend. Regretfully, I was mean to him right before again and now he has someone. I’m destined to be alone and I deserve it because of my mental health.

I’ve shoved him, screamed at him, et cetera. You can react, give advice, ask questions, I don’t really mind.

  • Fleur_@hilariouschaos.comEnglish
    2·
    7 days ago

    As someone who made bad relationship choices when I was young I feel you man. One thing I would recommend is not idolising this person or your feelings for them. One of the unfortunate things about falling in love in your late teens is that you’re at your most hormonal. Love will never feel the way it did for you back then. The intensity and the passion of love for someone else won’t ever feel the same. It’ll be different, recognising that, and not letting the absence of that original high define your expectations of love and future relationships is something to make sure you’re prepared for. I hope some of this resonates with you, good luck in moving on. It can take a while, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.