Literally I just have this realization while watching a TV show… like… HOWWW.
She literally just starts talking to neighbors… random strangers…
like just out of no where…
Wtf…
Was she always like this? Did her having children changed and just made her not fear that anymore? Like does survival triumph everything else and so just have to be fearless to pave the way for us
Oh why the hell is my dad kinda just… idk I see a part of him in me…
He’s been in the US for 15 years and barely any English…
I mean like the quietness part… cuz my mom managed… which I’m attibuting the English ability to the confidence thing vs my dad’s quietness and I just feel like he’s unassertive…
Like my mom practically runs the household lmfao…
Looking at it this way… it no wonder why my mom would be so disappointed in my depressed-ass
I mean if I were in my mom’s position… I’d hate me too…
I’m such a disappointment…
She probably didn’t have a mother that thought she was a disappointment.
No way… my maternal grandmother lives with us right this moment… I know her… words are like flying knives…
I mean it hurts less since she’s not my mother so whenever my mom yells at me… I just take my anger out on grandma… then my mom yells at me again lol…
I think I’m just a bad child with emotional contol issues… but then again… thanks mom… you created who I am…
An anomoly in this world…
what am I even saying…
Oh yea btw been awake for like 20 hours by now…
dont wanna sleep… sleep is a waste of time… don’t need it…
wanna continue binge watching… whatever I was doing…
Of course you’re a “bad child” with such a family. Don’t be too hard on yourself :) no one would be problem-free in your situation. I would hate to be in such a situation.
Your situation sucks but it’s not impossible to change. You need to somehow get away from this bad influence. I know that that’s especially hard with your separation anxiety.
You just said your mom created who you are. That’s definitely true in many ways. But you’re your own person now, and you can make your own decisions. You don’t have to be what your mom/family made you.
You don’t necessarily need to immediately physically get away from them, but at least you have to limit their bad influence on you. If someone shouts at you, try to not take it personally, just think something like “well, there she goes again, she feels bad so she has to try to make me feel bad as well” or something like that. Because that’s what’s happening.
But it really seems to be like you need to physically get away as well. Idk, maybe just sit in a park or a cafe or really anywhere, somewhere where they can’t find you. Short times at first maybe, but longer if possible.
What are you watching right now? :)