Trigger warning: this could be upsetting
Shortly after graduating school, I hung out with someone I met once before and was raped and have some trauma in my background. It was aquaintance rape I guess? I barely knew him. There’s other bad stuff that’s happened that’s also horrifying, some of it worse than that.
I am biologically male and effeminate, but don’t want to have a female body. I don’t really feel like anything and sort of don’t care what people call me. I am slightly asexual just from trauma and don’t really feel like I exist in a way. It wouldn’t surprise me if I’m not around in another decade.
I support trans people, but feel like putting he/him next to my name sort of implies a more clear identity than I have or implies I care about how people label me. I don’t. I sort of barely exist and don’t like to imply otherwise. People can call me anything, I don’t care. I don’t see myself as female or a they or it. I don’t see myself as anything.
I almost want to go like (he/him/*) but I am afraid this would be disrespectful.
I truthfully would like to be (he/him/🫥/💀) which would obviously be seen as demeaning. I feel like anything other than normal parantheticals opens the door to a distracting conversation that I don’t want professionally and often don’t want personally. And I feel like nothing after my name is dog-whistle for trans-people-are-invalid.
(I don’t care about pronouns but support trans people) also seems disrespectful and sort of like “i want attention” and I really don’t.
I wish I could support trans people without having to label myself or my body or even bring up these topics. Is there a way to do that? There probably isn’t.
I also feel similar. I don’t think I really exist, like I’m just some omniscient narrator. I don’t have much attachment to my gender either because of that, and I’m asexual. I tried to participate more in activities to make that feeling go away, but it only got stronger as the years pass by.
To cope with that, I try not to think about labels too much. Go for what you truly feel. I’m cis, but would like to get a nullification surgery one day. What the LGBT is about, is making you feel comfortable, making you feel like your true self, no matter how weird or unexplainable it is.
What is nullification surgery?
Indefinitely still like dudes too much to do anything like that, without knowing what it is. I am mostly asexual via alienation.
It’s a type of surgery to remove most primary sexual traits (genitals). You can choose what you would like to remove tho. If you like how you look, then it’s probably not for you.
Not to armchair diagnose you, but asexuality via alienation reminds me of schizoid personality disorder, as seen by the Wikipedia description.
Edit: mixed a few things in the definistion
I think it’s easy to mistake trauma for personality. I used to be vivacious. The only treatments for trauma involve interaction with the mental health industry. I am not willing to do that after terrible previous experiences.
I wouldn’t want nullification surgery. I used to be very sexual and am mostly not due to trauma, not because of feeling like an inherent asexual or genderless person.
Oh in that case, it’s probably not that. (Edit: in any case, can’t armchair diagnose someone lmao)
(Edit 2: I also forgot that this disorder is developed as well. For example, take this person on reddit)
I understand your reluctance to go to the mental health industry for help. Some people there tend to lack empathy, which is weird considering the domain lol.
In any case, I find this guide to be useful on the asexuality and trauma.
I appreciate the gesture, but after my terrible mental health industry experiences, I pass on all of it, even in anonymous reading format.