Tldr: my wife and I get into verbal fights quite often (once a month or so) I get over it in an hour and it takes her days. Both of us think that the other’s timeline isn’t normal. What’s typical/normal?
I’m ADHD (my current therapist thinks it’s AuDHD) so I’m prone to emotional deregulation and pretty crazy mood swings. I’m pretty sure my parents are somehow ND as well so I don’t have the best basis. My wife is also ND, but it’s audio processing not emotionally related
My wife and I get into fights and arguments sometimes over petty stuff. I feel I hear her out but it’s difficult for her to listen to me straight through as I tend to take a while to get to my point. She interrupts me a lot with either snide comments or questions that if she just waited a sec I’d answer. This leads me to getting frustrated and raising my voice and yelling, which gets her pissed off and raises her voice and suddenly we’re in a shouting match.
Eventually one of us gives up or realizes they’re wrong and we end the fight and go to our separate (safe) areas.
After about an hour I feel I’m back to normal and can talk about other things. (We usually have something we need to do with our kids or work or the house that we need to communicate on).
My wife feels it takes her a day or two to come down from a fight so shes very short with me until that time, where I feel I can talk after an hour or so… She feels that it’s not normal to change in that short of time.
What do people think?
Forget about what’s normal for getting over a fight. You know what’s not normal? Getting into a screaming match with your partner every month.
I really can’t stress enough, that’s not ok. Not a healthy relationship, not a safe environment for your children, and not a good example for them to follow in the future.
You need couple’s counselling ASAP because this pattern has to stop.
I’m ADHD, and a fight will ruin my day. I mean it will literally prevent me from accomplishing ANYTHING besides mindless tasks.
A few hours afterwards I’m often found staring into space reflecting on who said what, what I should say/do if it comes up again, and how it will affect tomorrow or the day after that. For bigger issues, the reflection will gradually reduce over the next few days.
Same for me. I will be in agony until reconciliation is made.
That sounds more like a minor trauma or so.
That’s funny because in my case fights leave my head and I’m on to something else in no time.
Dude. I’m ADHD and I’m the exact same way. I hate it cause it’s all I can think about.
Short answer: it depends on the person and situation.
Long answer: it depends on the person and situation.
I don’t believe there’s a consistent difference between ND and NT. Everybody’s handling conflicts differently.
There really isn’t a norm. I don’t get mad very easily- I brush off thighs that upset other people - but if I get mad it takes a long time to get over it. I had a gf once who got mad at the slitest thing (often really mad), but would get over it really quickly. There’s a lot of variation. And, of course, it can depend on the issue, too. A guy leaving the toilet set up is different from a guy kissing his gf’s sister.
You brush off thighs?
I love thighs myself, but that’s just me.
You misunderstand: I love them so much that when I see any kind of dust or anything on them, I brush them off.
“Things;” I’m leaving that typo, but fixed two others. Proof reading for the win!
Perhaps they meant “brush against thighs”.
Lol yup
I get the best of both worlds, it takes sustained pressure for a LONG time for me to get angry about something and when I finally do get angry it fizzles out and I’m over it in a matter of minutes to a max of about an hour.
But then again, most of my “negative” emotions are like that, grief, sadness, anger etc fizzle out quickly and I’m back to “baseline”. It’s like there’s a switch on brain that goes “Ok, that’s enough of that, back to normal”, not sure how normal that is in relation to others LMAO
That’s great, at least as long as you’re truly letting go of it and not pushing it down someplace.
It’s pretty easy for me to feel sadness, but anger is just a very unnatural state for me. Probably to an unhealthy degree in that there are probably times when I should be mad, but instead just get despondent.
After a fight it helps to talk about the fight. You shouldn’t just fight and then never talk about it again.
It completely depends on the person and the fight. I’m pretty much good to go in a couple minutes unless there was some serious betrayal that led to the fight. My wife needs anywhere between 1 and 3 days. Thankfully we really only fight about once a year, and it’s always over some completely pointless bullshit.
This is an unanswerable question. It’s between 30 seconds to 30 years
Those poor kids
That was my thoughts - this is no way to teach them about dispute resolution. OP seems to be focusing in the wrong thing (as everyone deals with things different) and they need relationship counselling.
Not to mention things must be pretty tense around the house. Once a month seems very regular to me to have such arguments.
As a NT parent, one of the hardest things has been the “emotional whiplash” of an ADHD kid. One minute it’s a horrific display of emotional violence that scars me for life, and then five minutes later it’s like it never happened. I’m probably slower to change my feelings than most - there are things that happened years ago I’m still able to access fresh feelings about - but even when I actively recover from a fight I’m still upset by the time the next one occurs. It’s taken a toll on my mental health for sure.
Eh, for me it’s maybe twenty minutes at most, but I don’t do fights with people I care about. If things are reaching the point where voices are raised, it’s time to step back and figure out why things are going bad, then come back to the subject matter from a place of love.
As far as how long it should take for you and your partner, it depends on how each of you handled things. There’s no single answer to it. The nastier the other person gets, the harder it is to let go, even when the issue that started the fight gets resolved. It becomes about the behavior during the fight, and that’s a separate thing to get over.
You both would benefit from extra guidance by professional in anger management and negotiating relationships. If you’re fighting like that often enough to be asking this, neither of you has the skills needed to be healthy for each other.
There are two answers for me. Sometimes I stop and think my way out of it and am ok after a couple hours, I can let it go.
Sometimes I just get angrier and angrier as I think about it, and in that situation I must talk to the other party. That usually takes a day or two because it takes me that long to realize I’m not gonna calm down, am still mad. But every time this has happened, the other party has apologized because they, in the same intervening time, have realized they were being asshole-ish.
Nobody I know takes that long to tell me, if I am being asshole-ish. It can take me an hour or so to calm down and apologize.
All of this assumes good intentions on all sides. My ex, you couldn’t back down or apologize with him, he saw it as weakness and would mock, was terrible at fighting.
I wouldn’t say there’s a norm, everyone varies. What would probably help a bunch is some sort of validation for how that fight sucked for the other person, no matter who’s right or wrong.
“Hey, I’m sorry we fought. I hate it and I know you do too. I don’t ever mean to make you feel bad. I love you and want us to be ok. Is there anything else you need me to understand?”
Neutorypical here (possibly a touch of undiagnosed autism but not a lot)- I don’t get into them.
My wife and I take a very proactive approach to communication. We talk through decisions before either of us gets emotionally attached to an answer. We trust each other to have good decision making processes when that isn’t an option. We have thoroughly established that both of us are putting the interests of the household first. We know both of us are acting in good faith, we both apologize, and we accept each other’s apologies.
In previous, less healthy relationships, I realized what made a “fight” was that her or I wanted it to be. Maybe one of us wanted attention or affirmation or had some inner problems was taking out on the other. Perhaps we just didn’t feel like we were properly heard unless we were angry. Whatever the actual fight about was usually something that could’ve been resolved without emotional energy.
As for how long to recover after… When it happened it always depends on the specific fight. Sometimes hours, sometimes days, eventually the big one was that we broke up permanently. If the issue has been resolved and someone is harboring resentment because the other party disagreed with them, there’s more underlying emotional issues that need to be resolved.
Depends on how the fight resolved. Sometimes you get snippy for a bit but ultimately either come to an agreement or the fight resolves and that’s it. You rankle for a bit after, get over it, and move on.
Sometimes the fight isn’t about what you’re fighting about. They’ve had a bad day and it manifests as some bitchy comments about how the dishes were done. You stop fighting about the dishes but you’re still upset because they’re taking their bad day out on you, or they’re still upset because they feel you don’t care about them. These can last much longer because the fight revealed bad blood, but didn’t do anything to address it.
