Because I don’t, and pretending to feels dishonest. I’ll listen if they want to talk about it, but I’m not going to act interested, and I certainly won’t ask about it on my own. What I’m trying to figure out is whether people actually care, or if they’re just playing a social game that I’m simply not interested in.
I’m probably on the autistic spectrum, which likely explains this to some extent. But that’s not an excuse - being an asshole is perfectly compatible with autism, so before dunking on me, please realise I probably agree with your criticism.
Im generally happy when good things happen to my friends. What you learn in the long run is to keep those things to your self. When we go on vacation only my close family knows. Any big steps in life are better taken alone and then celebrated after.
for the duration of our contact i am concerned for their well being. beyond that they usually spend less time in my mind than the current rerun of grimm
I like seeing my friends happy. I like talking about my cats.
I care. Sometimes it’s a bit boring but I love my friends and sometimes put a little work in to keep the connection.
I used to not care.
Now after a few years in a men’s group, I actually care.
I’m a lot happier and mentally healthy than I was before too.
That’s what I found. I thought people were faking because I was cynical. Then I met healthy people and realized it’s actually ok to care and I was choosing not to care instead of choosing to care. Do I care all the time, absolutely not. But I’m getting better. I find I enjoy listening to people who are healthy have these conversations while looking at them without the cynicism.
I started to realize the small talk that a lot of people online complain about is a choice.
where did you find a men’s group? I live in a rural area of the US so most men I meet are proudl ignorant/hateful trump fanatics
Honestly this is how I met my wife.
I used to get all preachy about how stupid Star Signs were and how dumb it was to watch heroine movies. But then, I was just tired of feeling so angry. I just started listening and approaching them from an understanding perspective.
My wife told me that was the only person who ever made her feel heard. and I’m also a lot happier!
I just use the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. I’m autistic, diagnosed in 2016. One thing I’ve noticed when hanging out with other autistics: they all want to talk about their special interest, and will go on for hours unhindered, but you can try to make conversation about something they don’t care about for 5 minutes and they don’t even pay attention. I’m definitely guilty of this, to a degree. I think that’s part of having autism. But the next time someone is telling you about something and you find you don’t care, consider what it would feel like if you were discussing your special interest with someone and they just acted disinterested the whole time. Doesn’t feel good, does it?
It’s important to realize that in conversations, most people don’t care about topics, they care about the person to whom they’re speaking. When you speak to someone, you’re signing up to have a conversation with them, not necessarily about something. For example, my fiancee is really into musical theatre, and I’m not. I don’t understand any of the terminology, or what even goes into a stage show. But I love her, and if she wants to talk about it, you bet your ass I’m sitting and asking questions because I know I’m going to end up telling her about Black Ops II Zombies lore for like 2 hours straight later. It’s not necessarily transactional, it just would be a terrible relationship if I only talked to her about my interests.
There is no social game. Well, probably to some psychopaths somewhere there is. But people ask you questions about things in your life because that is one of the ways people show interest in others. It’s nothing to do with gaming the social system - they are interested in talking to you, so they give you opportunities to talk about yourself, your interests, and what you’ve been doing. Sure, they probably don’t “care” about what they’re asking about the same way you do, but they’re not asking out of some cold, machine like formula that lets them climb up the social ladder - it’s just how being social works.
I’ll leave you with this thought: being able to listen to and understand the feelings of someone else in a situation you have no attachment to is empathy. Studies on empathy have shown that it is a skill that can be improved, not a static thing that’s rationed out to you in a certain amount at birth. One good way to work on empathy is to imagine yourself as the other person. So, the next time someone’s telling you about something you don’t care about, you could imagine being in their shoes. You may realize that they have something worth caring about after all, and though you may not care as much as they do, you may appreciate what they have to say just a bit more.
EDIT: I’ve seen the double empathy problem elsewhere in this thread. I would like to point out that empathy is literally all about trying to understand someone in spite of what differences you have. So don’t read that and assume there can’t be allistic-autistic empathy. Read that and acknowledge that it’s harder to empathize with allistics, and try to learn how anyway because that is empathy. Or don’t, idk. I’ve found the double empathy problem to be true in my life, and I’ve also found that building empathy toward allistics and all the things I don’t understand about them has done me a world of good and made it easier for them to empathize with me.
If a friend goes on an international trip and takes five hundred photos, I’d look at them all.
I have no friends with babies. Hypothetically I wouldn’t care about seeing the baby except for making the parent feel better. I care about kids but not until they’re old enough to be interesting, and babies aren’t.
The framing of this question is interesting. “…or are you just being nice?” Seems to assume that being nice is not a legitimate or authentic way of being, maybe unless it is a means of getting something you want.
A psychiatrist once told me “If I’ve learned anything over the years, it’s that people really do think differently from each other.” I can accept this as true but it really boggles my mind sometimes when I think I have caught a glimpse of someone’s fundamental assumptions that are so different from mine.
I have met a few people who have said things like “I don’t have time for small talk or chitchat, it is meaningless noise to me.” I thought to myself “OK, you’re not getting invited to my bar-b-que then.” Which was probably fine with them. Still, it’s hard for me to imagine having that mindset. Maybe when I was a teen it might have been said of me that I was self-absorbed and didn’t care about anyone else, but I certainly did care, more than I was able to express.
I occasionally encounter people -some way past their teen years- who have no interest in any of the things that I am into, but want to endlessly info-dump to me about My Little Pony or whatever their special interest is. I listen, not because I am particularly interested in My Little Pony, and not because I am “just being nice.” There is another reason, and I don’t think of it as transactional or “playing a social game.”
If there is any point to my rambling it is that I find the either/or thinking of the question reductionist and over simplified. I think this is one of the aspects of autism that makes it a disorder or disability for some people, because the very rigid black and white thinking can create a lot of frustration when reality doesn’t conform to their internal strict rules.
What’s the other reason why you listen to them?
I explained it better in my other comment. In the case of Neighbor Lady, I like her and want to maintain a connection with her, even if I don’t have any real intrest in her quilting obsession.
For other people I don’t already know and have a relationship with, it is the practice of developing good affinity with others that is important. The way we treat others is a reflection of the relationship we have with our self. Doesn’t it make sense to be kind and open to my own self? I think it does. It follows for me that I should also be kind and open with others. They are not just objects that move around and do things in my environment. My “self” and other “selves” are all fingers of the same hand, to make a funny metaphor. That’s the other reason.
The framing of this question is interesting. “…or are you just being nice?” Seems to assume that being nice is not a legitimate or authentic way of being, maybe unless it is a means of getting something you want.
What the OP is saying is “do you really care” or are you feigning interest because it is the socially acceptable thing to do? That’s what “just being nice” means.
Yes, I get that, but it seems like for some people, possibly OP included, the socially acceptable thing to do is just an empty ritual, without meaning or purpose. That’s difficult for me to grasp, because it’s not meaningless empty ritual.
And also it’s the either/or aspect of it that I don’t like. When my Neighbor Lady starts talking to me about quilting, I really have no interest in quilting, but Neighbor Lady is important to me, I like her and I want to maintain a relationship with her. I don’t feign intrest in quilting, but because I care about Neighbor Lady i do want to hear what she has to say. So it’s not a binary thing like deep fascination with quilting / just being polite but not actually giving a shit.
I suppose I could have used less words to express that in my first post.
Fair enough. I find, for better or worse, there are very few people I care about to that extent.
When I visit with family this upcoming holiday season, I will do the kind thing and ask how things are going of my extended family. Not because I care, but because this is what is expected. My cousin is going to welcome his first child in the next few months. I am happy for him, and will offer my support in any way I can, but I don’t care about what he’s doing to prepare or “how he feels about being a dad.”
Edit: I still think your scenario falls under “you really care, you are not being nice” in this hypothetical.
Friends? Sure.
Coworkers? No.
I am autistic, and honestly OP, I feel very similar. But based on the comments, I’m starting to think that we’re both narcissists haha
I have this particular issue with a house mate who is self-obsessed and wants to do nothing but brag about his charisma and intelligence to anyone who dares come downstairs for a split second. He’ll go on for hours, and re-tell everything if someone else comes in. He kind of caricature-ises this whole experience for me. He has trapped me in a convo for so long that I’ve had evening plans ruined, even after telling him multiple times that I’ve got to go. No point pretending with him, you literally have to just ignore his existence and leave. Grim.
With friends and family? It depends.
For friends, I care if they’re very close (1 of a handful of people), not because of the topic itself. What I’m really listening out for is how they have been affected by the experience.
For more distant friends, acquaintances, colleagues… generally no.
Somebody I care about has had an incredible event or experience in their life. Of course I care and want to hear about it.
I care for up to 10-15 minutes per topic.
If it turns into an hour long presentation, my level of caring drops off significantly.
For a real friend? Absolutely! I’ll hunt them down. For a coworker or loose acquaintance? I care a little less, but it’s still nice to see occasional baby photos and vacation pics.
I can’t believe people would fake politeness about this! No wonder we’re all so damn lonely. If you really don’t care, why not just say that those things bore you? It would probably make for deeper connections with everyone involved. You wouldn’t have to waste your time with them, and they wouldn’t waste their time with you!
Drag was socially conditioned to pretend to be interested through years of relatives sharing holiday pictures when drag was small.
For some stuff I don’t care, some other makes me jealous and some other is actually cool to discover/learn (think of some new place to have lunch/dinner or some hobby you didn’t know about your friend).
But in general I am with you, and I also feel like most people liking and commenting are playing the social game.
I am not very active in social networks, though…
Absolutely I care, and I want all of the details and pictures. It brings me great joy to see my homies living exciting lives, and I’m thankful to be part of that. With children, especially - they feel like nieces and nephews and I am inherently invested in their wellbeing and success, even for long-distance friendships in which I’ve never met the kiddos.
I don’t have any family of my own, so my Will and estate is divided amongst my friends, and those with kids are allotted a bigger piece of the pie so they can put it towards their college or whatever when I die.
