I regret being a child with hobbies like every other child. Every hobby was some stupid Exquisite Talent that I had to be filmed and shoved down everyone’s throats for. Everything I enjoyed was only for the smartest intellectuals and I had to be filmed and interviewed for that as well. I literally was the equivalent of Elon Musk and Trump, everyone was so tired of hearing about what random mundane thing I accomplished this time. But I was also the asshole for wanting to be normal as I’m passing up a rare privilege everyone else wished they had.
I also regret losing interest in everything and being a literal zombie staring at walls when I wasn’t sleeping as that was proof I had some stupid disorder and needed help. I really should have just been euthanized instead. All lives do not matter.
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I am extremely stupid for thinking I could turn this stupid life into one actually worth living. I will always be a puppet controlled by a disorder I never had. I will always be a joke at best and a burden at worst. I really should have just died years ago. Everyone in my life wanted me gone including me, but of course I’m stupid enough to miss all these fucking signs that my life peaked at 5 and will never improve. Life gets better when you’re loved.
Reconsider your value as a person. We are meant to dance and sing and create and explore, not to perfect those things but to discover reality and appreciate existence. Being “talented” is a gift and a curse, because you’re taught at a young age to compete and to shine your brilliance for the world to see.
That’s not why you’re here.
Your parents and the adults around you were proud of you and wanted you to feel supported, encouraged, and even driven to be successful. But you don’t owe them or anyone else your effort. If you want to stare at a wall and ponder existence, you aren’t wasting your time or your gifts.
You mean more to people than you will ever know.
At the same time, people don’t think about you as often as you expect. Reach out and make connections. You don’t have to be the best. You don’t need to prove your worth to exist. Being around other people is enough. Listen and share. Connect and grow as a person.
Regret is the proof of your growth. You cannot change what you have done, but you can embrace the cringe as a reminder to be better. We’re all on a journey on this rock hurtling through space, and every day is a new adventure waiting for you. Be curious about what’s next, and seek out new perspectives.
You have a lot to give and a lot to learn.
Try keeping a few for yourself. Practice in secret. Not every hobby needs to be for public scrutiny, and you’ll always be glad ‘its there’.
Everything I had was ruined. I can’t get into anything new without feeling like scum. Tried getting back into an old game I enjoyed and it just made me abysmal.
Are there any hobbies that come with no status, that don’t make me look smart, talented, rich, or otherwise better; are not creative, and are not immersive or childish enough to be associated with a stupid disorder? Or am I really doomed to live a life where I’m addicted to working and sleeping?
Doesn’t single player gaming fit? Or board games?
Single player games and family board games are childish and/or associated with that stupid disorder. All the other board games are pretentious and associated with smart people and are uncommon enough to be associated with that stupid disorder. Playing one of my old favorite single player games was triggering enough for me to make this post. I give up. Nothing is fun anymore.
Is that the way you feel or think others feel? Or is that what people are telling you? Cause none of that is true based on my personal experience. No one thinks I’m childish for playing games. Especially because nearly everyone plays something these days. And the only thing I’ve ever experienced with board games is people telling me they don’t like the kind I play. Most people don’t even talk about board games, let alone how they view others that play them.
Your experience could be different but if people you know talk about these things that way, you should find some new people.
Work with a prodigy in a field of your choice. There’s always somebody better. Pretty soon everything you do appears mediocre.
I am mediocre at everything I do. Society views it as the best thing to ever exist. Just doing the thing at all feels horrible.
I’m not getting you. On one hand you say you’re like Elon musk and trump and everyone is interested in what you do next, and in the other, you say you’re mediocre. Maybe you should elaborate on your disorder so I know where you’re coming from.
I said they were sick of having everything I did shoved down their throats. I was bad at everything and everyone agreed. I did not deserve the attention. I was misdiagnosed, I don’t have that shit, and at this point I don’t even believe in it. No one has that shit, it was invented as an excuse for the nazis to euthanize inconvenient kids who had no disorder.
Ok. So this is just a rant then. Hope things work out then.
I wish I had never met anyone so I could comfortably disappear without hurting them. I hate that they actually like me. I hate that my boyfriend loves me. He deserves a better woman. An actual human woman instead of dead weight pretending to be human. I really should have died at birth.
Damn, that is one hell of a vent.
Not going to try and counter any of it, unless you want that, but I see your pain, and sympathize.
