Hey work twin! I feel the same way. I’m salaried, so I don’t get paid extra for being at work longer and chatting all day means long days, plus it’s exhausting.

Most humans, introverts included, are to varying extents social apes and achieve equally varying amounts of satisfaction and validation through social bonding. What helped me is looking at a judicious amount of chatting as both a part of the job and a tool to get ahead. Like it or not, how you’re perceived is a big factor in your career. Look at it this way: if you and another internal candidate are both applying for the same position and are approximately equally qualified, if you’re known for getting along well with your coworkers while the other guy is not, that position is going to you.

This occured to me in graduate school. I was a scientist and, while I was a pretty good one, I’m nothing amazing. No Nobel prizes here any time soon. I noticed that scientific careers tend to attract pretty awkward, introverted people, myself included, so I decided that the way I could differentiate myself is by being the most personable scientist possible. I picked up some of the heavy hitters of social fluency, books like How to Win Friends and Influence People and The Quick and Easy Way to Effective Speaking (both by Dale Carnegie), Make Yourself Unforgettable by Dale Carnegie Training, Better Small Talk by Patrick King, and Empathy: Why It Matters and How to Get It by Roman Krznaric and set to reading. I treated it like one of my courses, taking notes as I read and developing strategies for implementation.

By becoming more comfortable with social interaction, it was less draining and I better understood the motivations of my chatty coworkers. It increased the quality of my interactions with others so I could have less of it while still making my coworkers feel validated. It also helped me learn to steer conversations so I could tactfully extract myself as needed. I have to use this a lot.

So my high level advice is to treat this like a skill that you can master to have more control of conversations and to make it less work.

To answer some specific questions…

1.What do I talk about? People, especially extroverts, tend to like to talk about themselves. I keep a little book with entries for each of my coworkers where I note things they’ve either mentioned frequently or talked about in a way that shows they’re important to them. Most people aren’t too complex. They’ll typically value family members, food, personal hobbies, and major events, e.g., holidays, graduations, new children, etc… So I’ll rotate through the list, simply asking them how one or two of those things are doing. If you want to take it to the next level, note something they were recently excited about and later ask them how that is going. It’s really not too complex. Just get them to talk about themselves, asking open ended questions to get them started and closed ended questions when you’re ready to stop, and reflect what they said back to them so they know you understand. I often end with something like “oh great, so you had a good time?” and when they say yes, it’s as simple as saying “I’m really happy to hear that”. Boom, topic closed. Of course that’s contextual. If it was a trying situation for them, I’ll ask the same type of question and end with an empathetic statement.

Stopping conversation tactfully can be simpler than you might think. I have a policy of being very honest and I’ve told my coworkers as much, so I’m blunt: I’ll tell them I’ve appreciated talking with them but I have some things I need to accomplish and I need to get started so they’ll be done on time. See how I said appreciated, not another verb like enjoyed? Because it’s not always enjoyable, but I do appreciate on an intellectual level that they are taking the time to show their interest in me, even if I just want to run away screaming sometimes. Being honest but tactful ensures that my contribution to the conversation is genuine. People can often tell when you’re lying and it makes them uncomfortable. The great thing about ending with this sort of statement is, if you’ve become fluent in conversation and have developed a bond with your coworkers, they’ll better empathize with your need to complete your responsibilities.

Just keep in mind that conversation is a skill like anything else and mastering it means you’ll get more out of it with less work. Thank you for attending my TED Talk. Let me know if you have any questions.

Start small, everything good in life happens by first taking baby steps. I’m an introvert too, and I’m a senior manager, so I can’t just ignore everyone, as a really big part of my job is managing people. I have the very same feelings you do, a lot of the time I feel like I’m wasting time, I’m super busy and my time is very valuable. But in the very same way, so is theirs. Flip the script a bit, like they are coming to you and talking to you about something they feel is very valuable for you to know about. They are considering you a valuable part of their day, so pay that back in some way. Doesn’t mean you need to drone on all day with someone if you aren’t interested. But do give them a couple minutes of your time, it won’t make or break your day if it’s bite sized.

Then after a polite couple of minutes, just stretch your arms, let out a big sigh and just say, "whelp guess I better get back to it, I gotta get this done this morn/aft, roll your eyes, let out an awkward chuckle, and there you go. Just find a polite way to break the conversation. Even tell little white lies if you have to, for example, “whelp, I have to get this TPS report down to Julie, she’s been waiting for me.” Things like that can work too.

Also it helps to just show people little bite sized acts of kindness, as you inevitably make your way around the office. Oh! I like your necklace or hey how was your weekend? How goes the battle? Like little prompts to show kindness, but not necessarily ones that will get you sucked into long convos. These are usually met with a shrug of the shoulders, or a great how was yours, and you can just say yeah it was great, not long enough laughs. And there you go, on with your day, and everyone will think to themselves, that 6H, they are an OK person.

Just understand and be comfortable with it being hard. It’s hard for me too sometimes, like it’s not as natural as it is for other people. I just have to make sure I give it a bit of conscious effort, and it easily goes a long way as long as there is genuine effort. Remember that no one actually wants to be there, like they all feel the same generally uncomfortable way you do, they just express it in a different way. Work is a means to an end for everyone else too. People need connection to find meaning, and we do too, we just struggle internally with what that exactly means, and the value of it a bit more.

What else are you supposed to do during downtime? Scroll on internet? Boss do t like that. Being chatty? Harder to criticize.

If you really don’t like taking to people that much, try for remote work. Once I almost went a full week without hearing another coworkers voice.(I’m not counting Teams chats bc I actually have work discussions there and I can ignore them as needed.)

If that’s not possible, learn to lean into extroversion a little. If someone wants to chat, let them talk a bit. You could let them talk about themselves the whole time, extroverts love that shit.

Give it ten minutes and then tell them you’re on a deadline or something and need to get back to work. If you really can’t handle it at the moment, do that second part immediately when they start talking.

The key is to be polite and respectful, but still assertive. It takes practice to get that mix right, so try it with some friends if you’re not sure how it comes across.

And just throwing it out there - I know you said you’re not looking to make friends, but this is what 80% of “networking” really is; just making friends enough that they’ll be a good reference.

You can put fake meetings on your calendar and say “oh, gotta get to my 2:30”.

I need to poop. Bye.

Buy a pair of big clunky headphones that are comfortable to wear and keep them on - you’d be amazed how many coworkers will think twice when they see headphones.