How can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?
The way they pronounce unionized.
There are 10 types of people. Those who get binary and those who don’t.
There are two types of people in the world:
- Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staying in neighboring rooms at a hotel for a conference.
In the middle of the night, a faulty outlet sparks a fire in the hallway. The physicist wakes up, sees the fire, fills the ice bucket up with water and uses it to extinguish the fire. He goes back to bed satisfied.
A bit later, another fire breaks out. This time, the engineer wakes up, sees the fire, does a quick calculation and fills his ice bucket 3/4 full. He just barely extinguishes the fire, and goes back to bed satisfied.
Later yet, the fire starts again. This time the mathematician wakes up, sees the fire, sees the ice bucket, announces “A solution exists!” and goes back to bed satisfied.
Bartender: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here!”
A tachyon walks into the bar.
How many math professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
The answer is trivial and the proof is left as an exercise to the reader.
Two chemists walk into a bar.
The first one says, “I’ll have some H2O.”
The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.”
They drink their drinks.
The second chemist dies.
This always reminds me of
"Oh, Johnny was a chemist’s son
But Johnny is no more
For what Johnny thought was H20
Was H2SO4!"
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks: “3 beers?”
The first one responds: “I don’t know”
The second one responds: “I don’t know”
The last one responds: “Yes, please!”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into the bar. The first guy asks for one beer. Next guy asks for 1/2 a beer. Next guy asks for 1/4 beer. Bartender slaps the next guy and gives the group two beers.
Is Psychiatry still a science?
- How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
-
- One to change the bulb and the other to hold my mother…I mean the LADDER!
So this atom returns to the pub begging the bartender and the patrons “Oh, good golly! I’ve lost one of my here electrons! Has anyone seen it?!”
The owner says. “No one has reported anything. Are you sure you’ve lost it?”
To which the atom replied, “Yes! I’m positive!”
…
The next day…
Having a pint, the bartender sees the atom from yesterday and calls the ion up to the bar and says “Just yesterday, you say you lost an electron. Well we found it and here it is.” Rolling it across the bar. The atom, now very happy says “Yeah! That’s the one! Amazing! Thank you! What can I do to repay you?!”
The bartender, with a sly wink, says “No charge.”
A Linux Mint User, an Arch Linux User, and a Gentoo Linux User walk into a bar. The bartender asks them what they’d like. The Linux Mint User asks for an IPA, the Arch Linux User asks for hops, barley, water, and some instructions. The Gentoo Linux User asks for a manual on how to first make the universe.
nah, the arch user would only order beer from the freshest keg
There are 10 types of people.
Those that understand binary and those that dont.
What about those who were expecting a trinary joke?
They’re hanging out with the people who make off by one errors.
At least they weren’t expecting some kind of … Spanish Inquisition!
“What about the other eight?”
The other 1000?
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer,” the second says “I’ll have half a beer,” the third says “I’ll have a quarter of a beer,” and, before the fourth mathematician can speak, the bartender says, “I see what’s going on here,” then pours two beers.
I heard this one ending with “You guys need to know your limits” before pouring the beers
Ah that’s a way better punchline!
A couple of fun limericks:
There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
There was a young chemist from Ryde,
Who drank a foul poison and died.
It was ortho-hydroxy-
para-methoxy-
tri-nitro benzaldehyde!
A woman in liquor production
Owns a still of exquisite construction.
The alcohol boils
Through magnetic coils.
She says that it’s “proof by induction.”
Poor Billy chemist will see his face no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4
Someone asks “what’s up?”
Answer: “the cross-product of forward and left”
(the popularity of this joke in engineering school trained me to never ask “what’s up?”)
How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?
Pull down their genes
